Fleeting glimpse

 Curly short hair, middle partition, glasses, long knee-length skirt, a typical nerdy look. Yes, that’s how I arrived and was greeted by the uncle at the gate. I entered the gates and walked along the way like I owned the place. A princess, that’s how  I walked and I looked around for people to shower me with flowers. No one was there! My hair stood on end, I was late. Who arrives late on the first day of school? Me, a living example. 

Arrived in front of my class and paused, took a deep breath. Unlocked the door and went in and completely regretted it. All eyes were on me, I was in the limelight. I tried injecting some self-confidence in my system and sat on the closest empty seat- the first bench. The first bench was a dream for some students but it was a nightmare for an owl like me. The seat arrangement changed after a few days and I was pushed back to the last bench. What a dramatic irony. I became both first and last bencher within a week of school. That got me thinking about what was in the bucket for me for the next two years.

School started fun but the excitement did not last long. My introverted and shy self took long enough to get a company to go to the school cafeteria. But after some time they found other people to go to the cafeteria with them after time and I was alone. Insecurities crept in. Constant self-judgment and self-diminishing led to the depletion of my self-esteem. New environment, new friends, upgraded curriculum, everything was eating away the person I was. Anxiety was about to let me go astray, my animal spirit was fading away. 

I missed my old friends who were not backhanded and were with me suspending judgements. Every day people walked by but often I felt stuck. The breaks which were supposed to be fun would always end up draining my energy. School library and books became my hiding place. And again why would people judge you for being in the library and loving books.  I felt like I was the only black and white person in the sea of colourful worlds.

The haunt of anxiety came to anchor when I came across my now close friends. Even if the sense of lacking something never went away, there was light in the darkness. My life took a 360-degree revolution. The school changed then, breaks were fun and the library might have missed me. Although I tried lying low, the elephant in the room was next to my seat. Being mischievous was always fun until the teacher found out. From eating and sleeping in the class to cooking ramen in the class, we did it all. I often got my seat shuffled not because I talked but because I listened. Winning a bingo in class felt like winning gold in the Olympics.

Exams time was a nightmare not because it made me nervous but because I had to submit notes to get marks. These days break time would equal library time copying notes. Results were days to see the disappointment in parents face and a day with extra energy to work for good grades.

Schools were closed due to COVID19 and we were having classes online. We who didn’t pay proper attention in physical classes were to take online classes while being surrounded by countless distractions. The lockdown for an introvert like me was the time of my life. But I missed the school library and the toastmasters club. We upgraded and were in twelfth grade. And I turned eighteen. While reading the course of twelve we gave grade elevens examination, arent we genius?  Time passed in a blink of an eye and I wasn’t taking classes while sipping coffee. 

The school reopened and I was in a different section than my close friend. The story repeated but this time it was different. I didn’t struggle to find friends and was not very affected by others judgement. Twelfth grade was short, fun and sweet. I even built a castle in the air which crumbled down eventually which made a large hole in my slow recovering self-esteem.  My habit of sleeping in class didn’t leave me.

From a hiking freak to bragging one, from a strict to funny, from silent to chatterbox, from french teacher to hygiene checker, we had a diversified group of teachers. Different traits and values of teachers added spice to school life. From seti’s story to Que Sera Sera we learned it all. 

Two years of school and I got friends and truckloads of memories to look back on.  I don’t have Athazagorophobia but I fear forgetting everything that happened in between these two years. I thought everything would be merry after graduating but the outer world is scarier. Fifteen years of education and no one taught me how to face this situation and dilemma. From asking may I go to the washroom we stepped into a  cruel reality called life, unprepared!